Newsletter #34
Дата: 14.07.2011 16:07:20
Cheeka: 
Tank Review by Charcharo
Hello!
We are looking at the T14 heavy premium tank. It’s a heavy assault battle brick that can only be purchased with gold and is actually
an up-armored Sherman. Being a Tier 5 premium it can easily make you a lot of money.
Tank specs:
Module tree:
Overview:
The T14, being a premium tank, is better than a stock T5 heavy but worse than a fully upgraded T5 heavy.
It has a premium version of a M3 Lee upgraded gun, has thick and sloped frontal armor, thick side and rear armor
(making the artificial-sloping tactic very useful), accelerates well but isn’t all that good at maneuvering, a good radio and bad view range.
Price: 1500 gold
Camouflage: Decent
Important: Every premium tank has a little known feature- you can retrain its crew to another U.S medium tank without loosing ANY experience.
Thus, T14 can be an excellent trainer for the U.S. Heavy Tank crew’s.
Pros:
-Great all-around armor
-Good rate of fire
-Good money-making abilities
-A great bully to smaller tanks
-Powerful HE
-Good acceleration
Cons:
-Bad penetration
-Bad accuracy
-Turns like a beached U-boat
Designation
1. Warrior 2. Steel Wall 3. Confederate
Crew:
1. Commander
2. Gunner
3. Driver
4. Radio Operator
5. Loader
I suggest you specialize your crew this way:
1. Repair
2. Camouflage
3. Firefighting
Being small (but fat) and not that hard-hitting i suggest you for camouflage as secondary skill. Fires are very rare anyway.
Modules
Armor schemes currently in use:
NONE FOUND YET
Hull:
The hull is unique because it has the same thickness on all sides and is very well sloped. Even the side and rear are somewhat sloped.
This allows the user to become semi-immortal to T4-5 tanks by artificially sloping themselves even more.
Suspension:
T-14 / Max capacity 49.8 / Turn speed 20 degrees per second
Nice capacity, but bad turning speed. Engine compensates it though.
Engine:
Ford GAC – 720 h.p. – 20% chance of fire
Surprisingly, this engine is very powerful on the T14 and makes it one of the fastest heavy tanks both in acceleration and
keeping speed with its 15.01 horse power per ton. They just don’t make bricks like these anymore.
Radio:
SCR 508/1 – range 650 m
This is a great radio for its tier.
Turrets:
T-14
Armor 101/101/101
Rotation 30 deg/sec.
View range 380 m
This is a good well-armored turret, that coupled with the decent gun depression can allow you to go hull-down.
Guns:
75mm Gun M3L/37 92/127/38 110/110/175
Same as the M3 Lee upgraded (unfortunately it isn’t researched for the M3 if you have the Sherman) which is not good…
you will have problems killing Hetzers and Leopards and other shermans. PZ4s and T-34s don’t seem too hard. PZ ¾ will bounce a lot.
KV if aimed right can be penned easily, so can T1. Arty at tier 4 and less are 1-shotable by the powerful HE shell.
Comparison with its peers:
T14 vs KV
The T14’s doesn’t have the capabilities of the KV’s top gun’s , in fact it’s own gun will have a hard time penetrating the KV frontally,
nevertheless if it catches the KV’s side or rear armor on both the turret and the hull, the KV will then be facing a serious opponent.
No to mention a better acceleration and turret speed that allow T14 to easily kill 3-4 (im not kidding) T4 tanks at once.
In short
T14 is better vs small tanks
KV is better vs big tanks
Both make money, but T14 makes even more
T14 vs T1 HV
Its pretty much the exact same situation...
In short
T14 is better vs small tanks
T1 is better vs big tanks
Both make money, but T14 makes even more
Historical T14
Was planned as a heavy assault tank on the Sherman chassis that was to replace the Churchill.
2 Prototypes were build but only 1 survived in the Bovington tank museum.
Link to skins
Suggestions to the developers:
-Buff accuracy to 0,37
-Buff acceration
A day in the life of a KV by Asyranok
The story of a LOL-crew
Commander: Let’s roll out!
Driver: I feel sorry for that deer I hit, sir.
Commander: Not now.
Driver: It was like rolling a toothpaste tube up.
*KV begins moving up a slight incline*
Gunner: Goddam we’re slow. Go faster old man!
Driver: The engine hamster took some vacay – doing my best, champ.
Radio man: I’ll get out and push – not like I do anything else.
*KV crests hill. A T1 Heavy is rolling across the field*
Driver: Sir, thar she blows.
Commander: Man the harpoons!
Gunner: What?
*KV aims 152 mm cannon at T1 Heavy*
Commander: Fire!
Gunner: Someone grab a fire extinguisher and put that out!
Commander: Wha… what. FIRE the weapon, soldier!
Gunner: Oh right. Pew pew.
*KV fires and shot goes soaring into the wild blue yonder*
Commander: Critical Hit!
Gunner: Sir I missed.
Commander: Another one like that should finish him!
Loader: Confirmed, miss.
Commander: He’s brewed up.
Radio man: I hate you all.
*Later that night*
Gunner: Hey, weren’t we fighting a T1 Heavy earlier?
Loader: What... no - maybe?
Commander: I'm back... I've got shmores.
Radio man: And I’m pitching a tent.
Gunner: Dude, don’t be gay.
*A few minutes later*
Commander: I’m tired of camping, forward thrust… wait afk a sec .
Driver: Sir?
Commander: Back, let’s go.
*KV heads out into gully with limited cover*
Driver: Sir, I think we are stuck on completely flat and smooth terrain that isn’t passable but obviously should be.
Commander: Recourse?
Driver: By the time we back this mobile port-a-potty up, we will likely be swimming in our own juices, sir.
Commander: That’s it, bail out!
Driver: Sir, we should at least give it a try.
Commander: Do it, soldier.
*KV begins backing up and starts to roll over a small and oddly-shaped rock. The tank suddenly jerks into the air and back down - and then sideways*
Driver: What was that?
Commander: Physics, son. Physics at its epilepticness.
*KV suddenly runs into M4 Sherman*
Commander: Target sighted! Fire.
*Gunner fires and hits the rear-view mirrors on the front side of the hull, knocking it clean off*
Commander: Nice shot! That had to hurt.
Radio Man: Yeah, yeah, they’ll have trouble backing up – kind of – not.
*Sherman fires a shot that penetrates the hull and hits the Radio Man*
Gunner: NOOOOO, not Billy… I called him… Willy.
Commander: We lost the Radio man… we’ll have trouble… operating a simple radio now.
Loader: Don’t worry, I’ve got a med pack!
Gunner: NOOOO, don’t waste that on Willy!
*Loader heals dead Radio man*
Radio man: What happened?
*Commander bangs the radio man on the head with a shovel*
Commander: Zombieeeesssss aaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhh!
A day in the life of a KV Part 2
*We revisit our KV crew as they “lick their wounds” after the fight with a Sherman*
Commander: I thought you were the undead.
Radio man: Is that really realistic?
Commander: Doesn’t have to be, it’s a game.
Radio man: I am fairly certain that all of your stupid has given me the AIDs.
*Gunner jumps into R2D2, I mean the turret hatch*
Gunner: Sir, looks like an allied KV has us pinned against a rock.
Commander: Did you ask him to move?
Gunner: I did, but all he said was, “ROFL, noob. You’ve been pwned.”
Commander: I see.
*After the other KV got bored and left, our KV begins inching across the battlefield*
Loader: My girlfriend wrote me. She’s leaving me man - after all this time.
Gunner: Let me get my caring face out (searches pockets)… wait, seems I left that in my other pants.
Radio man: You know what my favorite song is? "Crocodile Rock".
Loader: I am going to kill you both over and over again.
*Continuing on their strenuous 1 mile trek across flat terrain*
Driver: Oh, God!
Gunner: Let it go man. It deserved to die.
Driver: Oh, God!
Gunner: You ran over another deer in a vehicle that moves as fast as a glacier. You are doing the species a favor.
Driver: What? No, not that. I stubbed my penis on the drive shaft.
*KV suddenly finds enemies climbing onto the hull*
Commander: Mayday! Tango foxtrot alpha Charlie niner.
Gunner: You’re not really a commander are you?
Loader: What are they armed with?
Driver: News… Newspapers?
*Crew looks up at the hatch as it opens. A buttcrack appears*
Commander: Oh crap.
*Nightime. Our crew is eating their rations by a fire*
Commander: Mmmm, yummers.
Gunner: Jesus.
Radio man: It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everybody’s throwing up.
Commander: My spoon is TOOOOO big.
*The next morn. Far from the battlefield*
Gunner: Sir, we’ve been hit by artillery.
Commander: What’s the damage?
Gunner: We’ve lost our gun, our turret controls, our engine, our fuel tanks, our view finder, our ammo rack, and our coffee machine.
Commander: What about the pin-ups of Russian ladies?
Loader: Intact, sir.
Commander: Awesome. Awesome to the maaaaax.
*KV is wrecked and the crew sits near the smoldering wreck*
Gunner: I really was a world-class didgeridoo player before the war consumed my career.
Loader: Yeah, I was just as talentless.
Driver: I was a port-a-potty technician. No change.
Commander: Hey, Willy... Willy… Willy! HEY, Willy!
Radio man: WHAT?
*Commander hits Radio man with a shovel*
Commander: Zombieeeess aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhg!
A Day in the Life of an M3 Lee
*Having lost their KV to enemy fire, our crew defects to the American front and fights for the Allies. In the early morning hours – An M3 Lee sits at the edge of a clearing.*
Commander: Hey, you kids get away from there.
Gunner: What’s going on out here?
Commander: Damn kids and their graffiti – again!
Gunner: Well, to be fair, it is easy to mistake this tank for a small warehouse.
*With colorful graffiti all over their tank, the M3 Lee crew knows that they will be ineffective in ambush. They begin hunting for the enemy.*
Commander: Enemy at 8 o’Clock.
Driver: Sir, that’s a tree stump.
Commander: Permission to engage?
Gunner: You’re the Commander…
Commander: He’s done for, find another one.
Radio man: How many shovels to the head have YOU taken?
*The Crew finds their Lee stuck between two strong trees, one on each end.*
Gunner: How did this happen again?
Driver: I… don’t…. KNOW!
Commander: Oddly-shaped stack of cheese slices.
Loader: Okay?
Commander: That’s what this tank reminds me of.
Radio man: I’ve used my unique skills to call for radio help.
Driver: And?
Radio man: I’ve come to the conclusion that the radio only works as far as we can see.
Commander: Those fools! I told them installing kid-grade walkie-talkie radio equipment was a tactical mistake. (He falls to his knees and hangs his head low) When will they
leeeeeaaaaarrrn?
*Our M3 Lee comes to a shallow river.*
Commander: Stop here and let her have a drink ‘a moment.
Driver: Pardon?
Commander: (Rubs his chin between two fingers – almost musing to himself) Not a fortnight and we shall be hither-unto our foe.
Driver: I die a little bit inside every time you speak.
Commander: A Lee’s passability is suspect at best. Mayhaps we should find a way around this watery torrent lest our iron steer spontaneously combust.
*Later that afternoon. The M3 Lee spots an enemy Kpzfw IV in the center of a grassy field – very vulnerable. *
Commander: Engage!
Driver: One dead tank, coming up.
Gunner: Twenty meters and closing.
Commander: We’ve lost sight of him.
Radio man: Wha… how? How can you accomplish that? He’s meters in front of us in an open field.
Commander: Where’d he go?
Radio man: And they tell me I’m useless…
Commander: There’s the feisty bugger… in the same spot as before. Fire!
*Our M3 Lee crew ends the day bedding in a small civilian cottage*
Commander: You remember that Pzkfw IV we fought?
Driver: It JUST happened.
Commander: Yeah, me too. What a fight!
Gunner: Except that part where our tracks disintegrated when we ran over that particularly large rabbit.
Radio man: Yeah and then our main cannon jammed…
Gunner: And the jam turned out to a particularly obese rabbit stuck in the cannon…
Commander: (In a joyfully reminiscing tone) Yeah!
Driver: Which we could have gotten out and fixed if you didn’t run off screaming away from the field.
Radio man: Yeah, the tall grass wasn’t concealing velociraptors - you jerk.
A Day in the Life of an SU-5
Driver: Weren’t we just fighting for the Americans in a block of cheese?
Commander: The M3 Lee? Yeah, she was a beaut’.
Radio man: That was a tank? I thought it was a mobile dumpster we were delivering to a construction site?
Loader: So how did we get in an SU-5 again?
Commander: I’m… not sure.
*Our crew moves the SU-5 out and they come to rest on a hill*
Commander: This tank smells like bad athletes foot.
Driver: Sir, I see a T1 Heavy.
Commander: Fantastic, I’ll do a fan dance.
Gunner: What, why?
Commander: It will take a few dozen hits to kill. But if I distract it…
Radio man: Fail plan, sir.
Commander:I don’t have to take crap from a zombie.
Radio man: (facepalms)
*The SU-5 takes aim at the T1 Heavy*
Commander: The global positioning satellite suggests we will land a direct hit.
Gunner: What is a global positioning satellite?
Commander: Fire!
Loader: Direct hit – no damage.
Commander: Oh, but you are wrong. We scratched up the star on his hull. Without the faction marker… friendly fire anyone?
Gunner: That just might work.
*The T1 heavy begins searching for our hidden SU-5 crew*
Gunner: Load the cannon, quick.
Loader: Patience.
Gunner: What’s the hold up?
Loader: I’ve got arthritis.
Gunner: What?
Loader: And I’m low on potassium.
Gunner: …
Loader: AND I don’t have any arms.
Gunner: What, do you load with your face?
Loader: Yes. It’s a prerequisite for this position.
Gunner: No wonder artillery loads so slowly.
*The T1 Heavy is driving within feet of our SU-5 but is unable to spot us*
Gunner: How do they not see us?
Loader: Is their commander deaf?
Gunner: You mean blind.
Loader: Gay?
Gunner: I hate you.
Commander: No, friends. We are using advanced cloaking technology that cleverly disguises us as a chipmunk.
Radio man: How the hell?
Gunner: We have that tech?
Commander: Yes, cloaking technology… and global positioning satellites.
*The T1 heavy gets bored and leaves, exposing its weakly armored rear end as it rolls away*
Commander: Perfect opportunity for a critical hit, load the weapon!
Loader: Out of ammo.
Gunner: What? We fired once. We have at least 10 shots left.
Loader: Nope.
Gunner: Why did you not bring more ammo?
Loader: To make room for the cupcakes!
Gunner: I will murder you over and over.
A day in the life of a Hetzer
*Our lolcrew finds themselves manning a Hetzer*
Radio man: Sir, can we stop changing tanks.
Commander: No, the last one gave me a bad foot fungus.
John Madden: Bam, tough actin’ tinactin (After a long silence, man gets up and leaves).
Commander: Who was that?
Radio man: Michelin Man?
*The crew drives at 2km/h across a field.*
Driver: Sir, does this thing have a speed governor?
Commander: Say what?
Driver: I’m very uncomfortable going at a top speed in the single digits.
Gunner: I asked about that. They said, at some point in the Hetzer’s design, someone noted that its engine was inefficient. The response was,
“leave it – its funny”.
*After several hours, they have made it halfway across the corn field*
Loader: Hey. What do you call a cow without legs?
Driver: Inappropriate timing.
Loader: No, ground beef.
Driver: You can’t talk, you’ve got no arms.
Loader: Just a flesh wound.
*The hetzer comes to a fence at the edge of the corn field.*
Commander: Run it over.
Driver: Can’t.
Commander: What do you mean, “can’t”.
Driver: I mean that I can’t pick up enough speed to knock over a wooden fence.
Radio man: What do we do?
Commander: Fan dance?
Gunner: Shut up, you. You’re not helping.
Radio man: I can radio for help.
Commander: No use - the fence is blocking our signal.
Gunner: Who designed this tank - a child?
Commander: I believe it was a manatee.
Gunner: Made in its image?
*The hetzer finds a gap in the fence and goes around, coming to a small town. An M3 Lee is slowly coming through the main street.*
Commander: Fantastic news fellas.
Gunner: What?
Commander: You know that tank that is just as silly and defective as ours?
Gunner: A panther?
Commander: Close. M3 Lee in our sights. Fire.
Gunner: Targeting… derp.
Commander: You hit a Bed and Breakfast.
Gunner: Targeting again… herp (hetzer shakes violently).
Commander: Direct hit!
Gunner: Did they get us too?
Commander: No, but we hit us.
Radio man: What? How?
Gunner: Goddamn I suck at this.
Commander: One more shot.
Gunner: (aims)… herp derp.
*Shot hits the M3 Lee and bounces away. The four sides of the vehicle shake slightly and then fall out in all directions like a poorly constructed shed.*
*Later that day, the crew feasts in celebration of their kill*
Commander: Was that our first kill?
Radio man: Yep.
Gunner: How are we still employed?
Commander: They’re short staffed. I saw a group of derisive parrots manning a Tiger tank.
Gunner: Derisive, sir?
Commander: All they did was laugh at me… and say “U mad bro”?
Radio man: Why do parrots get a Tiger, and we are stuck with a hetzer?
Commander: To be fair, they are really talented and dexterous for parrots.
Tank Review by Charcharo
Hello!
We are looking at the T14 heavy premium tank. It’s a heavy assault battle brick that can only be purchased with gold and is actually
an up-armored Sherman. Being a Tier 5 premium it can easily make you a lot of money.
Tank specs:
Module tree:
Overview:
The T14, being a premium tank, is better than a stock T5 heavy but worse than a fully upgraded T5 heavy.
It has a premium version of a M3 Lee upgraded gun, has thick and sloped frontal armor, thick side and rear armor
(making the artificial-sloping tactic very useful), accelerates well but isn’t all that good at maneuvering, a good radio and bad view range.
Price: 1500 gold
Camouflage: Decent
Important: Every premium tank has a little known feature- you can retrain its crew to another U.S medium tank without loosing ANY experience.
Thus, T14 can be an excellent trainer for the U.S. Heavy Tank crew’s.
Pros:
-Great all-around armor
-Good rate of fire
-Good money-making abilities
-A great bully to smaller tanks
-Powerful HE
-Good acceleration
Cons:
-Bad penetration
-Bad accuracy
-Turns like a beached U-boat
Designation
1. Warrior 2. Steel Wall 3. Confederate
Crew:
1. Commander
2. Gunner
3. Driver
4. Radio Operator
5. Loader
I suggest you specialize your crew this way:
1. Repair
2. Camouflage
3. Firefighting
Being small (but fat) and not that hard-hitting i suggest you for camouflage as secondary skill. Fires are very rare anyway.
Modules
Armor schemes currently in use:
NONE FOUND YET
Hull:
The hull is unique because it has the same thickness on all sides and is very well sloped. Even the side and rear are somewhat sloped.
This allows the user to become semi-immortal to T4-5 tanks by artificially sloping themselves even more.
Suspension:
T-14 / Max capacity 49.8 / Turn speed 20 degrees per second
Nice capacity, but bad turning speed. Engine compensates it though.
Engine:
Ford GAC – 720 h.p. – 20% chance of fire
Surprisingly, this engine is very powerful on the T14 and makes it one of the fastest heavy tanks both in acceleration and
keeping speed with its 15.01 horse power per ton. They just don’t make bricks like these anymore.
Radio:
SCR 508/1 – range 650 m
This is a great radio for its tier.
Turrets:
T-14
Armor 101/101/101
Rotation 30 deg/sec.
View range 380 m
This is a good well-armored turret, that coupled with the decent gun depression can allow you to go hull-down.
Guns:
75mm Gun M3L/37 92/127/38 110/110/175
Same as the M3 Lee upgraded (unfortunately it isn’t researched for the M3 if you have the Sherman) which is not good…
you will have problems killing Hetzers and Leopards and other shermans. PZ4s and T-34s don’t seem too hard. PZ ¾ will bounce a lot.
KV if aimed right can be penned easily, so can T1. Arty at tier 4 and less are 1-shotable by the powerful HE shell.
Comparison with its peers:
T14 vs KV
The T14’s doesn’t have the capabilities of the KV’s top gun’s , in fact it’s own gun will have a hard time penetrating the KV frontally,
nevertheless if it catches the KV’s side or rear armor on both the turret and the hull, the KV will then be facing a serious opponent.
No to mention a better acceleration and turret speed that allow T14 to easily kill 3-4 (im not kidding) T4 tanks at once.
In short
T14 is better vs small tanks
KV is better vs big tanks
Both make money, but T14 makes even more
T14 vs T1 HV
Its pretty much the exact same situation...
In short
T14 is better vs small tanks
T1 is better vs big tanks
Both make money, but T14 makes even more
Historical T14
Was planned as a heavy assault tank on the Sherman chassis that was to replace the Churchill.
2 Prototypes were build but only 1 survived in the Bovington tank museum.
Link to skins
Suggestions to the developers:
-Buff accuracy to 0,37
-Buff acceration
A day in the life of a KV by Asyranok
The story of a LOL-crew
Commander: Let’s roll out!
Driver: I feel sorry for that deer I hit, sir.
Commander: Not now.
Driver: It was like rolling a toothpaste tube up.
*KV begins moving up a slight incline*
Gunner: Goddam we’re slow. Go faster old man!
Driver: The engine hamster took some vacay – doing my best, champ.
Radio man: I’ll get out and push – not like I do anything else.
*KV crests hill. A T1 Heavy is rolling across the field*
Driver: Sir, thar she blows.
Commander: Man the harpoons!
Gunner: What?
*KV aims 152 mm cannon at T1 Heavy*
Commander: Fire!
Gunner: Someone grab a fire extinguisher and put that out!
Commander: Wha… what. FIRE the weapon, soldier!
Gunner: Oh right. Pew pew.
*KV fires and shot goes soaring into the wild blue yonder*
Commander: Critical Hit!
Gunner: Sir I missed.
Commander: Another one like that should finish him!
Loader: Confirmed, miss.
Commander: He’s brewed up.
Radio man: I hate you all.
*Later that night*
Gunner: Hey, weren’t we fighting a T1 Heavy earlier?
Loader: What... no - maybe?
Commander: I'm back... I've got shmores.
Radio man: And I’m pitching a tent.
Gunner: Dude, don’t be gay.
*A few minutes later*
Commander: I’m tired of camping, forward thrust… wait afk a sec .
Driver: Sir?
Commander: Back, let’s go.
*KV heads out into gully with limited cover*
Driver: Sir, I think we are stuck on completely flat and smooth terrain that isn’t passable but obviously should be.
Commander: Recourse?
Driver: By the time we back this mobile port-a-potty up, we will likely be swimming in our own juices, sir.
Commander: That’s it, bail out!
Driver: Sir, we should at least give it a try.
Commander: Do it, soldier.
*KV begins backing up and starts to roll over a small and oddly-shaped rock. The tank suddenly jerks into the air and back down - and then sideways*
Driver: What was that?
Commander: Physics, son. Physics at its epilepticness.
*KV suddenly runs into M4 Sherman*
Commander: Target sighted! Fire.
*Gunner fires and hits the rear-view mirrors on the front side of the hull, knocking it clean off*
Commander: Nice shot! That had to hurt.
Radio Man: Yeah, yeah, they’ll have trouble backing up – kind of – not.
*Sherman fires a shot that penetrates the hull and hits the Radio Man*
Gunner: NOOOOO, not Billy… I called him… Willy.
Commander: We lost the Radio man… we’ll have trouble… operating a simple radio now.
Loader: Don’t worry, I’ve got a med pack!
Gunner: NOOOO, don’t waste that on Willy!
*Loader heals dead Radio man*
Radio man: What happened?
*Commander bangs the radio man on the head with a shovel*
Commander: Zombieeeesssss aaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhh!
A day in the life of a KV Part 2
*We revisit our KV crew as they “lick their wounds” after the fight with a Sherman*
Commander: I thought you were the undead.
Radio man: Is that really realistic?
Commander: Doesn’t have to be, it’s a game.
Radio man: I am fairly certain that all of your stupid has given me the AIDs.
*Gunner jumps into R2D2, I mean the turret hatch*
Gunner: Sir, looks like an allied KV has us pinned against a rock.
Commander: Did you ask him to move?
Gunner: I did, but all he said was, “ROFL, noob. You’ve been pwned.”
Commander: I see.
*After the other KV got bored and left, our KV begins inching across the battlefield*
Loader: My girlfriend wrote me. She’s leaving me man - after all this time.
Gunner: Let me get my caring face out (searches pockets)… wait, seems I left that in my other pants.
Radio man: You know what my favorite song is? "Crocodile Rock".
Loader: I am going to kill you both over and over again.
*Continuing on their strenuous 1 mile trek across flat terrain*
Driver: Oh, God!
Gunner: Let it go man. It deserved to die.
Driver: Oh, God!
Gunner: You ran over another deer in a vehicle that moves as fast as a glacier. You are doing the species a favor.
Driver: What? No, not that. I stubbed my penis on the drive shaft.
*KV suddenly finds enemies climbing onto the hull*
Commander: Mayday! Tango foxtrot alpha Charlie niner.
Gunner: You’re not really a commander are you?
Loader: What are they armed with?
Driver: News… Newspapers?
*Crew looks up at the hatch as it opens. A buttcrack appears*
Commander: Oh crap.
*Nightime. Our crew is eating their rations by a fire*
Commander: Mmmm, yummers.
Gunner: Jesus.
Radio man: It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everybody’s throwing up.
Commander: My spoon is TOOOOO big.
*The next morn. Far from the battlefield*
Gunner: Sir, we’ve been hit by artillery.
Commander: What’s the damage?
Gunner: We’ve lost our gun, our turret controls, our engine, our fuel tanks, our view finder, our ammo rack, and our coffee machine.
Commander: What about the pin-ups of Russian ladies?
Loader: Intact, sir.
Commander: Awesome. Awesome to the maaaaax.
*KV is wrecked and the crew sits near the smoldering wreck*
Gunner: I really was a world-class didgeridoo player before the war consumed my career.
Loader: Yeah, I was just as talentless.
Driver: I was a port-a-potty technician. No change.
Commander: Hey, Willy... Willy… Willy! HEY, Willy!
Radio man: WHAT?
*Commander hits Radio man with a shovel*
Commander: Zombieeeess aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhg!
A Day in the Life of an M3 Lee
*Having lost their KV to enemy fire, our crew defects to the American front and fights for the Allies. In the early morning hours – An M3 Lee sits at the edge of a clearing.*
Commander: Hey, you kids get away from there.
Gunner: What’s going on out here?
Commander: Damn kids and their graffiti – again!
Gunner: Well, to be fair, it is easy to mistake this tank for a small warehouse.
*With colorful graffiti all over their tank, the M3 Lee crew knows that they will be ineffective in ambush. They begin hunting for the enemy.*
Commander: Enemy at 8 o’Clock.
Driver: Sir, that’s a tree stump.
Commander: Permission to engage?
Gunner: You’re the Commander…
Commander: He’s done for, find another one.
Radio man: How many shovels to the head have YOU taken?
*The Crew finds their Lee stuck between two strong trees, one on each end.*
Gunner: How did this happen again?
Driver: I… don’t…. KNOW!
Commander: Oddly-shaped stack of cheese slices.
Loader: Okay?
Commander: That’s what this tank reminds me of.
Radio man: I’ve used my unique skills to call for radio help.
Driver: And?
Radio man: I’ve come to the conclusion that the radio only works as far as we can see.
Commander: Those fools! I told them installing kid-grade walkie-talkie radio equipment was a tactical mistake. (He falls to his knees and hangs his head low) When will they
leeeeeaaaaarrrn?
*Our M3 Lee comes to a shallow river.*
Commander: Stop here and let her have a drink ‘a moment.
Driver: Pardon?
Commander: (Rubs his chin between two fingers – almost musing to himself) Not a fortnight and we shall be hither-unto our foe.
Driver: I die a little bit inside every time you speak.
Commander: A Lee’s passability is suspect at best. Mayhaps we should find a way around this watery torrent lest our iron steer spontaneously combust.
*Later that afternoon. The M3 Lee spots an enemy Kpzfw IV in the center of a grassy field – very vulnerable. *
Commander: Engage!
Driver: One dead tank, coming up.
Gunner: Twenty meters and closing.
Commander: We’ve lost sight of him.
Radio man: Wha… how? How can you accomplish that? He’s meters in front of us in an open field.
Commander: Where’d he go?
Radio man: And they tell me I’m useless…
Commander: There’s the feisty bugger… in the same spot as before. Fire!
*Our M3 Lee crew ends the day bedding in a small civilian cottage*
Commander: You remember that Pzkfw IV we fought?
Driver: It JUST happened.
Commander: Yeah, me too. What a fight!
Gunner: Except that part where our tracks disintegrated when we ran over that particularly large rabbit.
Radio man: Yeah and then our main cannon jammed…
Gunner: And the jam turned out to a particularly obese rabbit stuck in the cannon…
Commander: (In a joyfully reminiscing tone) Yeah!
Driver: Which we could have gotten out and fixed if you didn’t run off screaming away from the field.
Radio man: Yeah, the tall grass wasn’t concealing velociraptors - you jerk.
A Day in the Life of an SU-5
Driver: Weren’t we just fighting for the Americans in a block of cheese?
Commander: The M3 Lee? Yeah, she was a beaut’.
Radio man: That was a tank? I thought it was a mobile dumpster we were delivering to a construction site?
Loader: So how did we get in an SU-5 again?
Commander: I’m… not sure.
*Our crew moves the SU-5 out and they come to rest on a hill*
Commander: This tank smells like bad athletes foot.
Driver: Sir, I see a T1 Heavy.
Commander: Fantastic, I’ll do a fan dance.
Gunner: What, why?
Commander: It will take a few dozen hits to kill. But if I distract it…
Radio man: Fail plan, sir.
Commander:I don’t have to take crap from a zombie.
Radio man: (facepalms)
*The SU-5 takes aim at the T1 Heavy*
Commander: The global positioning satellite suggests we will land a direct hit.
Gunner: What is a global positioning satellite?
Commander: Fire!
Loader: Direct hit – no damage.
Commander: Oh, but you are wrong. We scratched up the star on his hull. Without the faction marker… friendly fire anyone?
Gunner: That just might work.
*The T1 heavy begins searching for our hidden SU-5 crew*
Gunner: Load the cannon, quick.
Loader: Patience.
Gunner: What’s the hold up?
Loader: I’ve got arthritis.
Gunner: What?
Loader: And I’m low on potassium.
Gunner: …
Loader: AND I don’t have any arms.
Gunner: What, do you load with your face?
Loader: Yes. It’s a prerequisite for this position.
Gunner: No wonder artillery loads so slowly.
*The T1 Heavy is driving within feet of our SU-5 but is unable to spot us*
Gunner: How do they not see us?
Loader: Is their commander deaf?
Gunner: You mean blind.
Loader: Gay?
Gunner: I hate you.
Commander: No, friends. We are using advanced cloaking technology that cleverly disguises us as a chipmunk.
Radio man: How the hell?
Gunner: We have that tech?
Commander: Yes, cloaking technology… and global positioning satellites.
*The T1 heavy gets bored and leaves, exposing its weakly armored rear end as it rolls away*
Commander: Perfect opportunity for a critical hit, load the weapon!
Loader: Out of ammo.
Gunner: What? We fired once. We have at least 10 shots left.
Loader: Nope.
Gunner: Why did you not bring more ammo?
Loader: To make room for the cupcakes!
Gunner: I will murder you over and over.
A day in the life of a Hetzer
*Our lolcrew finds themselves manning a Hetzer*
Radio man: Sir, can we stop changing tanks.
Commander: No, the last one gave me a bad foot fungus.
John Madden: Bam, tough actin’ tinactin (After a long silence, man gets up and leaves).
Commander: Who was that?
Radio man: Michelin Man?
*The crew drives at 2km/h across a field.*
Driver: Sir, does this thing have a speed governor?
Commander: Say what?
Driver: I’m very uncomfortable going at a top speed in the single digits.
Gunner: I asked about that. They said, at some point in the Hetzer’s design, someone noted that its engine was inefficient. The response was,
“leave it – its funny”.
*After several hours, they have made it halfway across the corn field*
Loader: Hey. What do you call a cow without legs?
Driver: Inappropriate timing.
Loader: No, ground beef.
Driver: You can’t talk, you’ve got no arms.
Loader: Just a flesh wound.
*The hetzer comes to a fence at the edge of the corn field.*
Commander: Run it over.
Driver: Can’t.
Commander: What do you mean, “can’t”.
Driver: I mean that I can’t pick up enough speed to knock over a wooden fence.
Radio man: What do we do?
Commander: Fan dance?
Gunner: Shut up, you. You’re not helping.
Radio man: I can radio for help.
Commander: No use - the fence is blocking our signal.
Gunner: Who designed this tank - a child?
Commander: I believe it was a manatee.
Gunner: Made in its image?
*The hetzer finds a gap in the fence and goes around, coming to a small town. An M3 Lee is slowly coming through the main street.*
Commander: Fantastic news fellas.
Gunner: What?
Commander: You know that tank that is just as silly and defective as ours?
Gunner: A panther?
Commander: Close. M3 Lee in our sights. Fire.
Gunner: Targeting… derp.
Commander: You hit a Bed and Breakfast.
Gunner: Targeting again… herp (hetzer shakes violently).
Commander: Direct hit!
Gunner: Did they get us too?
Commander: No, but we hit us.
Radio man: What? How?
Gunner: Goddamn I suck at this.
Commander: One more shot.
Gunner: (aims)… herp derp.
*Shot hits the M3 Lee and bounces away. The four sides of the vehicle shake slightly and then fall out in all directions like a poorly constructed shed.*
*Later that day, the crew feasts in celebration of their kill*
Commander: Was that our first kill?
Radio man: Yep.
Gunner: How are we still employed?
Commander: They’re short staffed. I saw a group of derisive parrots manning a Tiger tank.
Gunner: Derisive, sir?
Commander: All they did was laugh at me… and say “U mad bro”?
Radio man: Why do parrots get a Tiger, and we are stuck with a hetzer?
Commander: To be fair, they are really talented and dexterous for parrots.
News from the Front\World of Tanks News Letter\Newsletter #34